The Fat Diaries

You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.

-Amy Bloom

I have been thinking all day about this new blog. What am I going to write on here, what it’ll consist of.

Finally, at 12:30am I have decided.

It’ll just be about me.

And I’ve decided to talk about the most sensitive issue in my life: my body.

It seems that I can aspire and try my whole best to be the best student, daughter, sister, and woman I can be; but regardless of my achievements, it is all invalidated due to one “flaw” in my being. I am fat.

I am fat so now I’m not the best at all the things I think I’m the best at, because to be fat means to be unhealthy, to have disregard for my physical appearance, I’m lazy, and quite possibly stupid. These are the attributes that come with being fat. Of course these are not true, it is illogical, to identify someone as stupid due to their physical appearance but that seems to be the struggle of fat people.
Our lives are governed by the body ideologies of our American culture, and in my case it is also part of the Hispanic culture and the Arab culture.

I am sick and tired of living my life inside a self-loathing, self-conscious bubble that I walk around in all day because people actually tell me to. People don’t seem to understand that phrases like:

Well at least you have a pretty face.

Well at least you don’t look like so-and-so!

Well your boobs make up for it!

Are extremely damaging, why would anyone tell a human being that their existence is mediocre? And why should we base the value of our existence on someone’s opinion?

The worst is when your parents seem to think that they only offend you about your weight because they love you; and although their words are probably whole-heartedly in their best intentions, they are also damaging to ones self-acceptance and over all self esteem.

I wake up every morning and shame myself, I look down upon myself, I invalidate my own existence because I am fat. I never celebrate myself, or my achievements, and I like to think about my pretty face because people seem to let me know that it’s my only good physical attribute.

All this self-hate is the result of those who surround me who’ve made it their job to comment on my physical appearance even if just once.

Ironically, I’ve come to a realization that even if I do desire to lose weight and to reach self-love, I will first have to reach self acceptance. Nonetheless, it is getting harder and harder to accept and once and for all love myself.

You might be reading this and you are probably thinking to yourself:

Well I know I’m not judgmental, people are so cruel.

But you are wrong, you are judgmental, you’ve seen a fat person or in general a person who doesn’t fit into our culture’s beauty standards and you’ve identified it and possibly even placed a stereotype on that person.

We are all beautiful in the inside.

How many times have you heard that?

How many times have we heard the same words that Amy Bloom up there stands for?

Flaws are beautiful, imperfections are perfections

blah blah blah.

Let’s be real.

We all seem to be advocates of the “fuck beauty standards” movement, yet we never really seem to put it into action.

Me included.

I am not in any way blaming my appearance on anyone, but I am blaming my self-loathing bubble on our dysfunctional body ideologies.

Notes:
Featured Image by: Kristen Gish on tumblr.com

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